Originally published at Thus Sayeth the Lord…. You can comment here or there.

Heroes– NBC, Monday Nights, 8pm Eastern

Well. It’s been a long time coming.

Would that it had taken longer.

NBC’s much advertised/anticipated paranormal drama falls short of heroic. Heck, it falls short of competant. In the parlance of super-heroism, this is less than Batman, less than Robin– this is like…Squirrel-Girl. No, no– because Squirrel-Girl was written to be funny intentionally. So this is like ‘Illuminator,’ because its tendency to take itself and its premises so seriously, kills it. Kills it dead.

Here’s the premise: a bunch of regular people (that’s Hollywood-speak for Gorgeous Hunks of Soulful Humanity) find out they have super powers. One can fly, one can see the future through artwork, one can (maybe) see the future while asleep, one can stop time and teleport, one is immune to pain and heals quickly, and one can get REALLY annoyed at her reflection. There are hints of an evolutionary watershed, a mysterious antagonist… and heavens, personal angst.

It’s not a terrible premise– Marvel has been using the same formula, with great success, in its X-Men series of comic books. The comparison is natural, and the creators of Heroes knows it. He (or they) have the Japanese teleporter refer to X-men and other science fiction shows often.

Heroes ultimately lacks charm, charisma, and intelligence. The dialogue is clunky and expository– the first ten minutes are heavy with info-dump. The characters make utterly ridiculous decisions– at one point, Invulnerable-Cheerleader sticks her hand into a running garbage disposal to retrieve her class ring. Chunk-kathunk-cachunk– Look, ma! A hand-burger! Oops, healed up already… Well, had to spend the special effects budget somehow, and what could be better than seeing a 17-year-old’s mangled fingers inflate back to perfect straightness?

Oddly, I can think of many things…

The ONLY character who works is Hiro (aha! See! That’s a pun. Hiro == Hero. Hah! Soooo clever). And this is because the Japanese actor is the only one who understands how to act with the terrible script he’s been given. While everyone else is emo-to-the-wind, he’s enthusiastic, lovable, exuberant, childish. He is a welcome reprieve from the stupidity of the rest of the cast and plot– I’m not sure if this is because his character is so different from the rest of the woe-beridden cast, or if its because he’s merely a good actor. Whatever the case, give us more of that dude. Less of the soulful male nurse, hankering after his brother’s love…

A final pet peeve:
“Humans only use 10% of their brain power…” spoken by the Indian professor/token foreign man-toy. Here’s a rebuttal. Send him back to school. What exactly is he teaching, anyway? Biology? Philosophy? Theology? Oh, I know…Monologuing. See how rapt his students are? That’s because none of them have their SAG cards and he does.